Christmas Guilty Pleasures, Part 2

And my number one, all-time favorite, never-ending years long Christmas Guilty Pleasure is…

Made-for-TV Christmas movies!  There are a million of them, some with good production values, some not so good, some with good acting, some just bad.  But I love them all.  Or almost all.  I draw the line at the ones Mr. and/or Mrs. Claus.  And the ones involving Christmas in warm climates (especially when wearing Hawaiian shirts is involved).  And the too-serious ones (can you say The Christmas Box with a rather smug Maureen O’Hara making all kinds of judgments about poor Richard Thomas?  Although, now that I think of it, he is kind of self-centered and selfish in that one, so maybe she’s right after all.  Nevertheless--not interested!)  The ones involving trying to get to a wedding on time. (I can think of two of those, right off the bat!  What I can’t think of is why this is a recurring theme in Christmas movies.)   I am keeping an open mind on all these topics, however, in case some killer Mr./Mrs. Claus movie or one where they actually do get to the wedding and it involves a Vera Wang gown comes along some day

Before I give you my list, let me just say this is not an all-inclusive list.  There are many others I enjoy, that showcase such revered stars as Tori Spelling, Roma Downey, Dean Cain, Olivia Newton-John, Connie Sellecca, even Randy Travis—Good Lord, I could go on forever.  But one can only include so many, can’t one?  All right, having eliminated the riff raff, here you have it, my list of all-time favorite Made-for-TV Christmas movies:

·    Ebbie – a “modern day” twist on the loveable old classic, A Christmas Carol.  But instead of Reginald Owen or Alistair Sim, we have who?  Susan Lucci, of course.  (I mean, it was only a matter of time, really.)  Who better to play Elizabeth “Ebbie” Scrooge, a cold, uncaring workaholic who owns a department store?  Love and romance and a department store—and Erica Kane--all rolled into one movie.  I’m happy just thinking about it.  

·    Comfort & Joy – Hey, remember Nancy McKeon?  You know, Jo from The Facts of Life TV show (that launched George Clooney’s career, by the way)?  Well, she’s back—and looking quite nice--as yet another workaholic who’s never had time for a personal life.  In this one, she crashes her car on the way to a corporate Christmas party.  When she regains consciousness (still at the wheel), she opens her eyes only to be looking at a very hunky, handsome, but down-to-earth guy who’s rushed to her aid.  She becomes puzzled and wonders if she hit her head harder than she thought in the accident, when he refers to her as his wife of 10 years, mother of his children, and combination housewife/volunteer extraordinaire.  You can see what’s coming here, I’m sure.  I’ll just say they all live happily ever after, and Jo never ends up back in her original world.  Thank heaven!  (And a little advice here, ladies (well, and men, too, if applicable):  If you’re single, and you wake up from some dramatic event to find some hunky, snuggly guy insisting that you’re his wife, the love of his life?  Do you wander all over town trying to get your old, lonely, meaningless life back?  I think not!  Let me tell you, this is not the time for questions.  Here’s what you do instead:  Ask no questions, agree with whatever he says, and just move on.  I mean, really!  Just start loving what is, baby.)

    (Or if you prefer, here’s Wikipedia’s much shorter description:  Single businesswoman wakes up married and a mother after a car accident.  Yep, that, too.)

·    The Christmas Gift – Oh man, this is a great one!  Unfortunately, it’s kind of an oldie and they virtually never play it any more.  So sad!  (That they never play it, not the movie—Christmas movies are never sad, you know that.)   It stars Jane Kaczmarek and John Denver—yes, it’s that old.  (Don’t groan--remember how good he was in the Oh, God movies?  He’s charming, I swear.)  Here he plays George, a widowed architect who, supposedly in order to get away from sad memories of his wife, takes his 10-year-oldish daughter Alex to spend Christmas in a quaint—perhaps even magical—town in Colorado.  We the viewers, however, know that his ulterior motive for the trip is to scope out the land surrounding the town, which his company wants to secretly buy so they can build—you know what’s coming—a (shudder) housing development!  Oh, the humanity! 

Upon arriving, father George and (precocious and wise) daughter Alex learn that all the residents of the town are either a little kookoo or a little magical; they all believe in Santa Claus.  I mean, all.  And, get this, even harder to believe--they’re all nice.  Nice!  Every single solitary resident, as we used to say when I was a kid.  Anyway, Alex gets totally into the whole Christmas fantasy (or is it?) immediately, and dad soon follows suit once he discovers that Alex’s new best friend, the postmistress, is very cute and very feisty.  And single.  (Bye-bye, dearly departed wife, there’s a new gal in Christmas Town.)

As you can guess (I know you’re getting ahead of me, here—this isn’t rocket science, after all), there’s a happy ending for all: a family gets saved from going belly up, George finds he just may really believe in ol’ SC and finds a new love, and of course, the town is saved from the evil developer, by George!   No, no, I mean, literally, George saves the town.  And while I may sound cynical and you may be envisioning me rolling my eyes while writing this, I think you may have forgotten that I said this was one of my all-time favorite made-for-TV Christmas movies.  So don’t think for one minute that I don’t get choked up and even possibly shed a tear or two every single time I see it.   There’s nothing like John Denver at Christmas!

(If that explanation is too long—or frankly, has just too many details—here’s  how one short-winded Amazon reviewer describes it: “big-city father and daughter help save small, folksy town and learn the real meaning of Christmas.”  Yep, that, too.)

   Note:  Apparently I’m not the only who loves this movie.  Remember I told you it was an oldie and they don’t play it any more?  Well, never fear.  You, too can own this one--for a mere $38.99 on Amazon.  Holy smokes.  It’s good—but is it that good?  Even I’m not sure of that one.  Not when there’s a golden back-up like Holiday Switch (see below) waiting in the wings.  I mean, come on.

·    The Christmas Wish (yes the title is so close to that last one, but not the same!) – Starring Neil Patrick Harris and Debbie Reynolds.  Well, need I say more?  Well yes, probably.  But I love those two (especially Debbie in her senior years—have you seen Albert Brooks’ movie Mother?  I have never laughed so much at a movie in my life, and I mean all through the movie.  I fell in love with the Debster in this one.)  Anyway, not only does this one have great stars, it’s got a nice, sappy, touching story as well!  Will (Neil PH) is a Harvard grad and successful but cynical Wall Street trader who returns to his quaint hometown to modernize and streamline his family’s business after his grandfather dies.  Now Will was raised by his grandparents after his parents died in a “tragic car accident.”  (Why do they always say that? “Tragic car accident?”  I mean, given that his parents died in the crash, I think that’s a given, don’t you agree?)  At any rate, while back in quaint-town, Will’s grandmother Ruth (Debbie, of course) finds a puzzling entry in grandpa’s journal, referring to a yearly Christmas visit to “Lillian.”  Lillian?  Huh?  Debbie/Ruth ain’t never heard of any Lillian—although presumably she has wondered all these years where hubby disappeared to every Christmas Eve.  (Wouldn’t you?)  She just thought he was picking out an extra special gift for her, no doubt.  Not! 

So Ruth’s Christmas wish (aha, see how title fits in here?) becomes to find out just what ol’ granddad was really doing all those years on Christmas Eve, when he really should have been helping her wrap presents and put those damn toys together.  So Will obliges, but both he and Ruth are fearful the answer to the secret won’t exactly make granddad’s memory shine.

I won’t tell you what they find out.  But it is a Christmas movie, after all, so you can at least be secure in the knowledge that the answer won’t bring out your bitter inner woman.

(Or, as Wikipedia puts it:  A businessman tries to uncover a family secret for his grandmother after he returns to a small town to modernize his family's real-estate company.  Yep, that, too.)

And my number one, all-time fave:

·    Holiday Switch – Oh, my gosh, I’m just happy thinking about this one.  You know how, when your life gets kind of overwhelming, especially at Christmas time, you start wishing you had taken the Other Road at some point in your past, so you wouldn’t have this drag of a husband, and these kids that are just so darn annoying, and no money, and this embarrassing haircut from Great Clips?  And you know how then you go down to the laundry room and try to climb through the dryer?  No? 

Well, that’s why they never made a Christmas movie about you, then.  Because it’s a fascinating story, one we can all learn from.  (If only to warn inattentive husbands to make sure you get your wife a gift certificate to the salon of her choice every Christmas—and birthdays, too, wouldn’t hurt.  That is, if you want to keep those home fires burning, if you know what I mean.) 

Despite the, shall we say, unlikely plot, this movie is actually one of the great ones.  It has beautiful clothes, beautiful sets and lots of jewelry.  Enough right there to make me happy.  But wait, there’s more!  Good acting, humor (intentional), good production value, and a delightful, hilarious story.  And it stars Nicole Eggert, queen of the made-for-TV Christmas movie.  (I don’t know where she got famous, this gal, but I love her.  Not only because she’s a good actress and very funny, but because she’s beautiful and—you better sit down for this one—not thin.  No joke.  She’s no butterball or anything, but she is not a size 0, of that I’m pretty sure.  This is a beautiful, funny, not thin woman.   Oh my gosh, I think she may be my new best friend.)  Anyway, so after she climbs through the dryer, she ends up in a parallel universe.  The road not taken.  (Man, this thing could even be seen as literary.)  

And where does that road, or dryer as it were, take her?  Well, right to a much nicer life!   She crawls out the other side into a much nicer laundry room, for starters.  Then she’s confronted by the, can it be, housekeeper!  After a short period of confusion and hyperventilating and wandering about the new mansion, she realizes she’s now married to the guy that she let get away; the one she turned down for her current saintly but boring and poor Mister.  And this new guy is handsome!  And wealthy!  What could be better?  (Well, if you’ve been reading carefully, and you recall my advice a la Comfort & Joy, here’s a little prescience for you:  note what quality has not yet come up here—is he snuggly?  I’m guessing not, aren’t you?)

After luxuriating in a gorgeous bath, trying on tons of gorgeous clothes, and soaking up every luxury that’s awaiting her there in her parallel life, she plans a romantic dinner, ready to enjoy this road to the fullest with New Hubby.  Only to find out that he doesn’t even come home for dinner, really.  Ever.  Why?  Because he’s now with his new gal, a gorgeous co-worker from his job.  (And sadly, she is a size 0, I’m pretty darn sure.)  And--not to give you too much bad news all at once--Nicole and New Hubby are planning to get a divorce!  Turns out Mr. Beautiful Moneybags is kind of shallow.  And not so nice. Basically, he’s a jerk.  (OK, that’s not good news.  But look, he’s so handsome and their house is so beautiful and then there are all the clothes and those jewels…)  But who comes along, lurking outside her living room window, at just about that point, hoping to find some work so he can support his family?  Oh, no, could it be?  No, it’s not a bird, it’s not a plane, it’s original hubby!  Mr. Boring!  But suddenly, now that he’s out there on her million dollar lawn, working so hard and looking so rugged (and dare I say it, snuggly?), he suddenly begins looking kind of sort of attractive…  Especially when he politely but firmly rebuffs her come-ons because he’s loyal to his loving wife and family.   Oh, the tangled web she’s woven.

Well, I won’t give you all the details—you’ll want to enjoy this little treasure for yourself.  But suffice it to say, she spends a lot of time hanging out in her new laundry room, eyeing that dryer.  A lot.  And she ain’t doing the wash, I can tell you that much. 

Now just a warning: one reviewer on Amazon said they had a hard time following this story.  Well, all I can say about that is…  Well, I can’t say anything about that.  I’m speechless.  

Apparently, after watching this one we’re supposed to appreciate the things we have, not the things we left behind.  And yeah, yeah, I do have the best husband and the best dog right now, in this universe.  But every now and then, when I’m having a hard day, I do start to wonder what’s behind that dryer...  But I suspect that I’ll just end up under our porch.  How glad I am that I didn’t take that road.