And my number one, all-time
favorite, never-ending years long Christmas Guilty Pleasure is…
Made-for-TV Christmas
movies! There are a million of them,
some with good production values, some not so good, some with good acting, some
just bad. But I love them all. Or almost all. I draw the line at the ones Mr. and/or Mrs.
Claus. And the ones involving Christmas
in warm climates (especially when wearing Hawaiian shirts is involved). And the too-serious ones (can you say The Christmas Box with a rather smug
Maureen O’Hara making all kinds of judgments about poor Richard Thomas? Although, now that I think of it, he is kind
of self-centered and selfish in that one, so maybe she’s right after all. Nevertheless--not interested!) The ones involving trying to get to a wedding
on time. (I can think of two of those, right off the bat! What I can’t think of is why this is a
recurring theme in Christmas movies.) I
am keeping an open mind on all these topics, however, in case some killer
Mr./Mrs. Claus movie or one where they actually do get to the wedding and it
involves a Vera Wang gown comes along some day
Before I give you my list, let
me just say this is not an all-inclusive list.
There are many others I enjoy, that showcase such revered stars as Tori
Spelling, Roma Downey, Dean Cain, Olivia Newton-John, Connie Sellecca, even Randy
Travis—Good Lord, I could go on forever.
But one can only include so many, can’t one? All right, having eliminated the riff raff, here
you have it, my list of all-time favorite Made-for-TV Christmas movies:
·
Ebbie
– a “modern day” twist on the loveable old classic, A Christmas Carol. But instead of Reginald Owen or Alistair Sim,
we have who? Susan Lucci, of
course. (I mean, it was only a matter of
time, really.) Who better to play Elizabeth
“Ebbie” Scrooge, a cold, uncaring workaholic who owns a department store? Love and romance and a department store—and
Erica Kane--all rolled into one movie.
I’m happy just thinking about it.
·
Comfort
& Joy – Hey, remember Nancy McKeon?
You know, Jo from The Facts of
Life TV show (that launched George Clooney’s career, by the way)? Well, she’s back—and looking quite nice--as
yet another workaholic who’s never had time for a personal life. In this one, she crashes her car on the way
to a corporate Christmas party. When she
regains consciousness (still at the wheel), she opens her eyes only to be
looking at a very hunky, handsome, but down-to-earth guy who’s rushed to her
aid. She becomes puzzled and wonders if
she hit her head harder than she thought in the accident, when he refers to her
as his wife of 10 years, mother of his children, and combination
housewife/volunteer extraordinaire. You
can see what’s coming here, I’m sure.
I’ll just say they all live happily ever after, and Jo never ends up
back in her original world. Thank
heaven! (And a little advice here, ladies
(well, and men, too, if applicable): If
you’re single, and you wake up from
some dramatic event to find some hunky, snuggly guy insisting that you’re his
wife, the love of his life? Do you
wander all over town trying to get your old, lonely, meaningless life
back? I think not! Let me tell you, this is not the time for
questions. Here’s what you do
instead: Ask no questions, agree with
whatever he says, and just move on. I
mean, really! Just start loving what is,
baby.)
(Or if you prefer, here’s Wikipedia’s much
shorter description: Single
businesswoman wakes up married and a mother after a car accident. Yep, that, too.)
·
The
Christmas Gift – Oh man, this is a great one!
Unfortunately, it’s kind of an oldie and they
virtually never play it any more.
So
sad!
(That they never play it, not the
movie—Christmas movies are never sad, you know that.)
It stars Jane Kaczmarek and John Denver—yes,
it’s that old.
(Don’t groan--remember
how good he was in the
Oh, God
movies?
He’s charming, I swear.)
Here he plays George, a widowed architect
who, supposedly in order to get away from sad memories of his wife, takes his
10-year-oldish daughter Alex to spend Christmas in a quaint—perhaps even
magical—town in Colorado.
We the viewers, however, know that his ulterior
motive for the trip is to scope out the land surrounding the town, which his
company wants to secretly buy so they can build—you know what’s coming—a
(shudder) housing development!
Oh, the
humanity!
Upon
arriving, father George and (precocious and wise) daughter Alex learn that all
the residents of the town are either a little kookoo or a little magical; they
all believe in Santa Claus. I mean,
all. And, get this, even harder to
believe--they’re all nice. Nice! Every single solitary resident, as we used to
say when I was a kid. Anyway, Alex gets
totally into the whole Christmas fantasy (or is it?) immediately, and dad soon
follows suit once he discovers that Alex’s new best friend, the postmistress,
is very cute and very feisty. And single. (Bye-bye, dearly departed wife, there’s a new
gal in Christmas Town.)
As you can
guess (I know you’re getting ahead of me, here—this isn’t rocket science, after
all), there’s a happy ending for all: a family gets saved from going belly up,
George finds he just may really believe in ol’ SC and finds a new love, and of course, the town is saved from the
evil developer, by George! No, no, I
mean, literally, George saves the town.
And while I may sound cynical and you may be envisioning me rolling my
eyes while writing this, I think you may have forgotten that I said this was
one of my all-time favorite made-for-TV Christmas movies. So don’t think for one minute that I don’t
get choked up and even possibly shed a tear or two every single time I see
it. There’s nothing like John Denver at
Christmas!
(If that explanation is too long—or frankly,
has just too many details—here’s how one
short-winded Amazon reviewer describes it: “big-city father and daughter help
save small, folksy town and learn the real meaning of Christmas.” Yep, that, too.)
Note: Apparently I’m not the only
who loves this movie. Remember I told
you it was an oldie and they don’t play it any more? Well, never fear. You, too can own this one--for a mere $38.99
on Amazon. Holy smokes. It’s good—but is it that good? Even I’m not sure of that one. Not when there’s a golden back-up like Holiday Switch (see below) waiting in the wings. I mean, come on.
·
The
Christmas Wish (yes the title is so close to that last one, but not the
same!) – Starring Neil Patrick Harris and Debbie Reynolds. Well, need I say more? Well yes, probably. But I love those two (especially Debbie in
her senior years—have you seen Albert Brooks’ movie Mother? I have never laughed
so much at a movie in my life, and I mean all through the movie. I fell in love with the Debster in this
one.) Anyway, not only does this one
have great stars, it’s got a nice, sappy, touching story as well! Will (Neil PH) is a Harvard grad and
successful but cynical Wall Street trader who returns to his quaint hometown to
modernize and streamline his family’s business after his grandfather dies. Now Will was raised by his grandparents after
his parents died in a “tragic car accident.”
(Why do they always say that? “Tragic car accident?” I mean, given that his parents died in the
crash, I think that’s a given, don’t you agree?) At any rate, while back in quaint-town,
Will’s grandmother Ruth (Debbie, of course) finds a puzzling entry in grandpa’s
journal, referring to a yearly Christmas visit to “Lillian.” Lillian?
Huh? Debbie/Ruth ain’t never
heard of any Lillian—although presumably she has wondered all these years where
hubby disappeared to every Christmas Eve.
(Wouldn’t you?) She just thought
he was picking out an extra special gift for her, no doubt. Not!
So Ruth’s
Christmas wish (aha, see how title fits in here?) becomes to find out just what
ol’ granddad was really doing all those years on Christmas Eve, when he really
should have been helping her wrap presents and put those damn toys
together. So Will obliges, but both he
and Ruth are fearful the answer to the secret won’t exactly make granddad’s
memory shine.
I won’t tell
you what they find out. But it is a
Christmas movie, after all, so you can at least be secure in the knowledge that
the answer won’t bring out your bitter inner woman.
(Or, as
Wikipedia puts it: A businessman tries
to uncover a family secret for his grandmother after he returns to a small town
to modernize his family's real-estate company.
Yep, that, too.)
And my
number one, all-time fave:
·
Holiday Switch – Oh, my gosh, I’m just happy
thinking about this one.
You know how,
when your life gets kind of overwhelming, especially at Christmas time, you
start wishing you had taken the Other Road at some point in your past, so you wouldn’t
have this drag of a husband, and these kids that are just so darn annoying, and
no money, and this embarrassing haircut from Great Clips?
And you know how then you go down to the laundry room and try to climb through
the dryer?
No?
Well,
that’s why they never made a Christmas movie about you, then. Because it’s a fascinating story, one we can
all learn from. (If only to warn inattentive
husbands to make sure you get your wife a gift certificate to the salon of her
choice every Christmas—and birthdays, too, wouldn’t hurt. That is, if you want to keep those home fires
burning, if you know what I mean.)
Despite
the, shall we say, unlikely plot, this movie is actually one of the great ones. It has beautiful clothes, beautiful sets and lots
of jewelry. Enough right there to make
me happy. But wait, there’s more! Good acting, humor (intentional), good production
value, and a delightful, hilarious story.
And it stars Nicole Eggert, queen of the made-for-TV Christmas
movie. (I don’t know where she got famous,
this gal, but I love her. Not only
because she’s a good actress and very funny, but because she’s beautiful and—you
better sit down for this one—not thin.
No joke. She’s no butterball or anything,
but she is not a size 0, of that I’m pretty sure. This is a beautiful, funny, not thin
woman. Oh my gosh, I think she may be my
new best friend.) Anyway, so after she
climbs through the dryer, she ends up in a parallel universe. The road not taken. (Man, this thing could even be seen as
literary.)
And
where does that road, or dryer as it were, take her? Well, right to a much nicer life! She
crawls out the other side into a much nicer laundry room, for starters. Then she’s confronted by the, can it be,
housekeeper! After a short period of
confusion and hyperventilating and wandering about the new mansion, she
realizes she’s now married to the guy that she let get away; the one she turned
down for her current saintly but boring and poor Mister. And this new guy is handsome! And wealthy!
What could be better? (Well, if
you’ve been reading carefully, and you recall my advice a la Comfort & Joy, here’s a little
prescience for you: note what quality
has not yet come up here—is he snuggly?
I’m guessing not, aren’t you?)
After
luxuriating in a gorgeous bath, trying on tons of gorgeous clothes, and soaking
up every luxury that’s awaiting her there in her parallel life, she plans a
romantic dinner, ready to enjoy this road to the fullest with New Hubby. Only to find out that he doesn’t even come
home for dinner, really. Ever. Why? Because he’s now with his new gal, a gorgeous
co-worker from his job. (And sadly, she is a size 0, I’m pretty darn sure.) And--not to give you too much bad news all at
once--Nicole and New Hubby are planning to get a divorce! Turns out Mr. Beautiful Moneybags is kind of
shallow. And not so nice. Basically, he’s
a jerk. (OK, that’s not good news. But look, he’s so handsome and their house is
so beautiful and then there are all the clothes and those jewels…) But who comes along, lurking outside her
living room window, at just about that point, hoping to find some work so he
can support his family? Oh, no, could it
be? No, it’s not a bird, it’s not a
plane, it’s original hubby! Mr.
Boring! But suddenly, now that he’s out
there on her million dollar lawn, working so hard and looking so rugged (and
dare I say it, snuggly?), he suddenly begins looking kind of sort of attractive… Especially when he politely but firmly rebuffs her come-ons
because he’s loyal to his loving wife and family. Oh, the tangled web she’s woven.
Well, I
won’t give you all the details—you’ll want to enjoy this little treasure for
yourself. But suffice it to say, she
spends a lot of time hanging out in her new laundry room, eyeing that dryer. A lot.
And she ain’t doing the wash, I can tell you that much.
Now
just a warning: one reviewer on Amazon said they had a hard time following this
story. Well, all I can say about that is… Well, I can’t say anything about that. I’m speechless.
Apparently,
after watching this one we’re supposed to appreciate the things we have, not
the things we left behind. And yeah,
yeah, I do have the best husband and the best dog right now, in this universe. But every now and then, when I’m having a
hard day, I do start to wonder what’s behind that dryer... But I suspect that I’ll just end up under our
porch. How glad I am that I didn’t take that road.
·
Holiday Switch – Oh, my gosh, I’m just happy
thinking about this one. You know how,
when your life gets kind of overwhelming, especially at Christmas time, you
start wishing you had taken the Other Road at some point in your past, so you wouldn’t
have this drag of a husband, and these kids that are just so darn annoying, and
no money, and this embarrassing haircut from Great Clips?
And you know how then you go down to the laundry room and try to climb through
the dryer? No? 
covered with jewels and glittered pine cones! Wearing large brooches covered with miniature jewels and pine cones! Christmas cookies! Gingerbread! Candy Canes! Sweets of all kinds, really. (My husband, Steve, would put fruitcake first on that list. Not I. But I respect his choice—especially since it means more peppermint bark, say, for me.) And maybe even better than all those goodies is the guiltiest pleasure of all, available only this month: December TV! And no, I’m not referring to all those “very special presentations,” or so the announcers love to tell us, at this most special time of year. A very special “Two and a Half Men.” Please tune in tonight for a heartwarming, “Dexter.” No, no, no. Those aren’t for me. Those involve guilt sans pleasure, in my book. Actually, not even guilt. Just the sans pleasure part.
Oprah Winfrey (yes, she does have a last name!) is one of the wealthiest self-made women in the world. In the world! (Well done, Oprah!) So while her favorite things might include such charming items as Josh Groban’s latest Christmas album and her all-time favorite chicken pot pie, there are also items that qualify as a bit more than charming. I’m talking diamond earrings, a fridge with a built-in TV (I’m not exactly sure of the practical usefulness of this item, but man, it’s cool!), and yes, even a car! As you can imagine, it’s quite a show.
Actually, over the last few years, the status of this as a guilty pleasure has become somewhat tarnished for me. So much so that I might have to say, at this point, that Oprah’s Favorite Things used to be an annual guilty pleasure. Because in the last year or two it’s just become kind of repulsive, with not much pleasure. A repulsive non-pleasure. Yikes. See, the frenzy has grown from year to year, so that by now, the women in the audience are already rabid before they even take their lucky little seats. So by now it’s just all these women becoming hysterical because they’re getting FREE STUFF. "I don't know
what it is, but oh my GOD, it's FREE!" "Free! Free! Free!" is their rallying cry. (So much for Oprah's goal of empowering women to be self-reliant, independent creatures.) Now I realize some of it is really great—I can understand, for example, crying over the pair of diamond earrings or even the oversized scented soaps (they’re very pretty)—but the frenzy obviously just becomes about the FREE STUFF, with gals sobbing and hyperventilating (and EMTs on call back stage, I kid you not) over a Kenny G Christmas album, for God’s sake. True! So this has actually transitioned from a guilty pleasure into a Thing to Avoid Seeing At All Costs.
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