TO CHECK OR NOT TO CHECK, THAT IS THE QUESTION (and I have the answer!)

How do you feel about flying?  It used to be a big deal when I was a kid.  It was exciting, an adventure.  We actually used to get a little dressed up!  And the flight attendants actually used to attend to us.  Even give us wings, if we were under 12.  So neat!  (I even still have a pair of TWA wings in my jewelry box.)  But boy, are those days over.  I won’t even go into the attire of current flyers or the visual of flight attendants hanging around in the back talking for most of the flight, instead of offering us more Diet Coke—my psyche can’t handle it.  Let me just skip right to the nightmare of boarding. 

 

For most of us, we’re not in first class.  Right?  Well that right there is bad enough.  But then, we’re subjected to piling up in the jetway.  (Why do they call the next zone to board when there is still a 10-minute line in the jetway, not even close the to the door of the plane???  Why???)  We loom forward, then stop and stand around bellowing into our cell phones.  And why are we piling?  Why are we looming?  Because we’re waiting for the cattle—and possibly some sheep—ahead of us to put their damn bags in the overhead compartment, get all their stuff out for the flight, get their jackets folded neatly, and get themselves all settled in before getting their old selves out of the damn aisle. 

Apparently I have some hostility on this issue.

Steve and I both ALWAYS check our bags.  You may find that hard to believe, because obviously everyone else on every single plane has found it necessary to bring all of their giant bags on board.  Valiantly determined to cram them into the overhead, tying up the aisle both coming and going.  Yes, we are the ones who still “check our bags.”  We are the ones who still use the “baggage compartment.”  We are the two waiting in the “baggage claim area” to get our bags after the flight.  (Unfamiliar with these terms?  You’ll find them in your dictionary, in the archaic English section.)  Are we in less of a hurry than everyone else?  Are we luckier than everyone in the whole flying world?  (We’ve never lost a bag.)  Do we just pack more than the rest of humanity?  Are we idiots?  I’m going to say that some of those are probably true.  (I won’t, however, say which ones.  You be polite and don’t say, either, OK?)

Let me tell you the many advantages of checking your bags.  By starting with the many disadvantages of not doing so.  Well, just one big disadvantage, really: admit it, wheeled or not (not wheeled?  OK, I’m dating myself), that bag is a damn nuisance to cart around the airport.  Because of course it’s not alone.  Be honest, you’ve also got its little companion, that one “personal item” you’re allowed, that you’re also lugging around.  And that one ain’t necessarily so tiny, either.  Or lightweight!  So you’ve got to get these things through security (a nightmare in itself, even if you’re not carrying one darned thing, let’s face it), you’ve got to drag them through the snack line to get your coffee or your cinnamon roll or your sandwich or even your Dippin’ Dots.  You’ve got to deal with them—God knows how—in the restroom.  You’ve got to watch them every second.  (You know about all those people who sneak into the airport terminal, get past security, and scout around for unattended bags to a) steal them and get all the good stuff inside, or b) put a bomb in them while you’re not looking.  Either way, you’ve got to keep vigilant.)  So when you don’t check your bag, there’s no reading without care, no talking on your cell without care, no enjoying CNN’s trashing of the latest Republican senator or nominee or governor or whichever Republican it happens to be that day.  There are no carefree airport moments for those who refuse to check their bags. 

And you haven’t even gotten to the plane yet.  You get everything to the gate, and find a chair or three for you and your little wheeled entourage.  And no, this is still not the time for relaxation, my friend.  Because boarding is coming.  And once you feel that coming—certainly well before the actual announcement is made—you’ve got to gather up all those wheels and shoulder straps, and start jockeying for the best position to be the first one on board.  (Now of course this only goes for economy flyers; first class passengers have no cares.  The flight attendants make sure there’s room galore for whatever bags, boxes, musical instruments,

or hanging outfits might come aboard on the arm of a first class passenger.)  And if you’re not one of the first ones on board?  Bad things can happen.  This can come in the form of a) you are sitting at the front of the plane and your bags are in the back (making you the absolute last passenger off the plane, thereby delaying your travel time even more than if, say, you’d checked your bag in the first place, nyah, nyah, nyah), b) you’re forced by a militant flight attendant to check your bag anyway because all the other baggage non-checkers have filled the bins before you got there, or c) you have a heart attack right there in the aisle from all the pressure of trying to find a darn empty bin...  Oh, the humiliation.  Not to mention the annoyance.  Or the insurance nightmares to follow.

And those are just the disadvantages off the top of my head. I’m sure there are more, but really, how would I know; as I said, we always check our bags.

I know at this point you’re thinking we are fools.  I’m not sure why.  But I know people think this about people who check their bags.  So let me tell you why it’s the best thing to do.

See how carefree?

Maybe you'll fit a cat in your bag

First, it’s carefree.  Even in packing, there’s no stress.  Have a lotion—or any liquid, really—that you’re crazy about that’s oh, say, four ounces?  Into the suitcase it goes!  Want to bring all your make-up, including your indispensable $100 face cream that makes you look 10 years younger and is in that 6 ounce jar?  Get it in there!  Got breakables?  Well.  Hmmm.  Maybe….   No wait, you have two options here: a) bring a towel to wrap them in—after all, you’ve got a whole suitcase to fill! or b) just put them in the “carry-on plus one personal item” you can bring on board.  See?  Packing’s a snap.  All you need to bring on board (other than possibly those breakables) are your book, your millions of must-have-with-you-at-all-times electronic gadgets (personally, I have one), and your reading material.  Well, and your snacks, of course.  And none of those make for a very heavy—or large—bag.

And since you’ve only got a small, lightweight carry-on (and none of those silly plastic bags to deal with, no 1-1-3 Rule or 3-1-1 Rule or whatever the heck it is to heed), security is a snap, too!  The main hassle, truly, is getting stuck in line behind someone who has chosen not to check their bag, and therefore is unloading bags and lotions and prescriptions and heaven only knows what else (I certainly don’t want to) onto the conveyor belt.

Look, ma, you can even stretch!

This leads me to what I think is the best part of checking your bag: your airport experience can be a calm one.  Yes, even serene.  Because once you’ve checked that bag, you’re worry and hassle free.  You can wander to a restaurant, get through a crowd, use the ATM, even use the bathroom, all without stress.  You can put your carry-on on your lap and READ.  You can be mesmerized by the latest CNN story trashing the Republican presidential nominees and lose track of your surroundings.  You can pay no attention to that odd-looking man near you who appears as though he’s hankering for someone’s bag other than his.  You can do all this without worry.  Because your own stuff is right there on your lap. 

But wait, there’s more.  You can BOARD without a care.  Holy smokes, that’s worth its weight in gold!  Don’t you think? 

Waiting serenely during boarding

So here’s the scenario:  We’re at the gate.  We’re in Zone 2.  They’re “pre-boarding.”  (Who knows what that means, other than it never applies to you or me.)   So the natives are getting restless, and they’re starting to crowd the entry to the jetway.  The jockeying for position has begun.  The subtle elbowing, the cutting in line.  And what are Steve and I doing?  Ha!  We’re sitting in our seats at the gate, calm as can be.  (Steve is reading, I’m watching all the stressed-out people and noticing what they’re wearing.)  Because even if we end up being the last two people on the plane, it doesn’t matter.  All either of us need is the seat in front of us to put stuff under.  No reaching involved.  No hoping, no worrying, no Is it too big, no Will there be enough spaces….?  Because all we’ve got is small stuff.  Our big stuff has been handled by “people.”  And by that I mean, people other than us.  And it’s the best, I tell you.

Lest I sound too smug, as if we are better than anyone, I’ll put this in impersonal third person.  Here’s how one can board if one has checked one’s luggage:  One waits until one’s zone is called, one calmly gets at the back of the line (or, if one is truly carefree, even waits until everyone else is on board, thereby eliminating the Jetway Wait altogether), and one walks into the plane.  One steps into one’s row and sets the carry-on and/or one personal item under the seat.  And one sits down.  Seatbelt on.  Boarding over.   How neat is that?

One Sitting on Plane

Then, when the flight is over?  You get up and walk off the plane, darn it.  How simple is that?  No pressure-induced health problems there.  No terrorist concerns necessary.  (Or at least none that have to do with your bag.)

OK, so now you do have one more step the Others don’t.  But it’s easy!  You simply go down to baggage and--after one possible tiny, momentary, terrifying worry that your bag is circulating endlessly on some conveyor belt in some airport other than this one—feel that freedom that comes when you spy that pink and gray tweed little number lumbering up the tunnel and tumbling down onto the belt.  Wheee!  And you’re off. 

So, see?  Why carry your bag on board?   You can have a carefree life!  Try checking!

Although, come to think of it, if everyone who brought their bag on board started checking their bag instead, the “baggage claim area” (see dictionary, as advised above) would be overrun with people stressed out that the airline has lost their bag, yelling into their cell phones, pushing people out of the way, creating a stress-filled environment for one and all.…

Never mind.